It's been so long since I've blogged, but I need to vent. I've come to realize that I'm the type of person, who'll take on other peoples worries and burdens, especially the ones close to me. But I've also learned that, that really is dangerous. When that one person hurts, I'll cry for them, I'll worry for them constantly, and the thing is I know I can't do anything about it. I can't make things better, all I can do is comfort them. I wish I could take all their worries away, even if I had to make them my own. It pains me to see someone I love so dearly, live such a sad life and my heart aches so badly, I just don't know what to do. What I have to learn is that, with things like these, you have to leave them up to Allah. That's all you can do, and only He can make things better. It's hard not to worry, but leaving it up to Him, will make everything better, and I know it will. I just have to be strong enough to let go. It' just life, I have to try to make the best of it, and work hard for the future, instead of living in the past. I know I can do it, just need a little motivation.

I'm gonna be okay, she's gonna be okay. I just have to keep faith.

Summer

I haven't written in a long time damn. haha.

Well, alot has happened in the past few weeks. Okay, maybe not too much, but enough for me. Good and bad things.

I'm actually in Pakistan right now, came here on the 8th of July, can't believe it's almost time to leave already. Crazy how time flys. My favorite part was going to Dubai. Dubai was so amazing :). I definitely had a good time and made a few good memories ^_^. We stayed at the Kempinski Hotel Mall of the Emirates. The mall was connected and it was so nice! I'd get up early and wander around on my own. I loved it! Bought some cute things, ate some good food, relaxed, dressed up, talked to random peeps, life was good ^_^.

Pakistan's been alright too, it's just the little things like the heat, lizards, bug bites, and me getting sick so easily that bugs me so much! Haha oh well. It's great seeing my relatives after such a long time. I'm sad I missed my cousins wedding, we're pretty close, she's just a year older me. Sometimes I regret it, but I just couldn't come due to school and everything. So many things going on and no break.

When I go back, it's gonna be back to reality. Dealing with life,school, I just want to get these few months over with. I know time flies, and I'll make use of my time as well as I can. Reality is harsh, but gotta deal, so it's ok!

There are many things I need to change, need to do, though I really don't want to. What can I say, you have to deal with things you don't like to get ahead in life sometimes. It sucks, and perhaps I'm a little too lazy sometimes, but I just pray to God to help me through this little rough patch and get me where I need to be, and perhaps I'll look back some time later and be happy that things are easier ^_^. Always gotta keep hope right? Right. It's hard though since I'm so pessimistic.

Ah I need to start packing and make sure I have everything since we're going back soon. I feel like all my life consists of just packing and going here and there, haha, ah that's ok too. I don't mind, sometimes I just wanna stay home though.

Life, you're certainly too much, in both a good way and a bad way.

:*(

Why is life so hard?

My heart hurts.

I'm really sad,

The tears keep on falling.

What do I do?

I need someone to talk to :*(

Today my heart shattered into pieces by the one person who I always thought would be there for me.

How can I trust anyone, if I can't trust my own.

Living, I'm not sure what I'm living for anymore.

I'm tired. Why can't I just be happy. Why does everything hurt so much. God, please help me.

I just don't know anymore today, sometimes, it seems the ones closest to you hurt you the most. The one's you expect would always be there because they raised you. The ones you had learned to rely on to trust. After tonight, I'm not sure if I could ever trust anyone again.

Exercise

Exercise.

Good for mental and physical health.

I need it.

So badly.

Like now.

Ugh.

I need too get in shape, I'll feel better.

Ok! Exercise starting in the morning.

:)

Mistakes

There are times when I make mistakes, and frustratingly, make them again and again after promising not to. That is one thing I need to change about myself. I asked myself "who does that"? and I realized many people do cause we're all human, but a few don't and won't make the same mistake again. I want to be one of those few people. It'll take dedication, but I know that I can get through it iA and become a better person.


Oh life. You're alright. I'm human, but I'm ready to change.

Day by day

Summer classes. Yay.

Haha no I'm actually happy, they make me feel like I'm doing something good with my time haha.

So, today I just wanted to say, I really love my parents a lot. They're all that I ever need in life. They make me feel that even though I make mistakes or sometimes don't what to do, that it's going to be ok. The comfort that they can give me, no one else can, it's special. Yeah, they will be disappointed or mad at times, and that's fine, I deserve it, but either way, they're like my backbone, the icing to my cake. They're truly my best friends :). I appreciate it it a great deal, though I can't or don't always show them. This way, I'm truly lucky.

Thanks Mama and Abba for always being there and being an amazing set of parents haha. <3

Now time to do some more Calculus homework at 5:24 A.M..

Oh the excitement.

No, really, it is.

:)

Don't Wanna Try

No more, I don't wanna try anymore.

I don't wanna try to make everyone happy.

I don't wanna try to fix anything.

I don't wanna try to pass my exams.

I don't wanna try to study.

I don't wanna try to make myself happy or achieve anything.

I don't wanna try to be responsible.

I don't wanna try to grow up.

But, I still need to.

I need to do this for me, just for me. So I can be happy. For my siblings, cause they look up to me. For my parents, cause they're counting on me. I want to make everyone happy, but sometimes, I don't know if I can.

Growing up sucks. That's all I can say, and sometimes I get lost and am not sure what to do. But I have to make my own decisions, fix my own mistakes. Not even my parents can make everything easier anymore.

I'm scared. Scared that I won't achieve anything in life, scared that everything I have, will fall apart. Here I a, hanging on the edge. I'm anxious, worried, stressed. Yeah because of finals, but also because I'm scared of moving on, of changes. Freshman year is almost over and it's a little sad. Cause, now, I really have to suck it up and deal with things as they come my way. Deal with them my way, on my own. No one can help me, I have to make my own decisions. I watch my sister as she plays carefree and happy. Laughing the day away. Her world and my world are a little different. Her carefree happy world, it seems I just can't enter it. I can't be carefree like her. I can't be happy like her. I'm not fully a grownup, but I'm not a child either. I was once just like her haha. She makes me smile though, she's the light in my little world. The little girl, who I look up to. She makes me laugh, she makes me think that eventually thinks will be okay. That the world can't be all that bad, especially if she's in it.

Today, she was crying, because she lost something of hers. I heard crying and ran up the stairs and asked her what was wrong and as she told me, I gave her a hug. I took her to my room and told her that she could borrow my clips and that I will get ones exactly like the one's she lost. Then I gave her a hello kitty notepad and a new lipgloss and told her that it's ok. She stopped crying and I smiled. She made me feel needed, as if I could fix everything and things will be ok. Though I can't fix everything, I made the situation a little better for her. I love her, my one and only sister. She's a truly amazing little girl, my reason to smile, when no one else can cheer me up.

To my sister: I love you, and I wanted to say, thanks for being there, being your 4 year old self. You make my world brighter and happier even on the gloomiest days.

Sorry for being hella cheesy, but that's how things are haha.

I'll keep on trying, iA it will be alright, no matter what happens.