Don't Wanna Try

No more, I don't wanna try anymore.

I don't wanna try to make everyone happy.

I don't wanna try to fix anything.

I don't wanna try to pass my exams.

I don't wanna try to study.

I don't wanna try to make myself happy or achieve anything.

I don't wanna try to be responsible.

I don't wanna try to grow up.

But, I still need to.

I need to do this for me, just for me. So I can be happy. For my siblings, cause they look up to me. For my parents, cause they're counting on me. I want to make everyone happy, but sometimes, I don't know if I can.

Growing up sucks. That's all I can say, and sometimes I get lost and am not sure what to do. But I have to make my own decisions, fix my own mistakes. Not even my parents can make everything easier anymore.

I'm scared. Scared that I won't achieve anything in life, scared that everything I have, will fall apart. Here I a, hanging on the edge. I'm anxious, worried, stressed. Yeah because of finals, but also because I'm scared of moving on, of changes. Freshman year is almost over and it's a little sad. Cause, now, I really have to suck it up and deal with things as they come my way. Deal with them my way, on my own. No one can help me, I have to make my own decisions. I watch my sister as she plays carefree and happy. Laughing the day away. Her world and my world are a little different. Her carefree happy world, it seems I just can't enter it. I can't be carefree like her. I can't be happy like her. I'm not fully a grownup, but I'm not a child either. I was once just like her haha. She makes me smile though, she's the light in my little world. The little girl, who I look up to. She makes me laugh, she makes me think that eventually thinks will be okay. That the world can't be all that bad, especially if she's in it.

Today, she was crying, because she lost something of hers. I heard crying and ran up the stairs and asked her what was wrong and as she told me, I gave her a hug. I took her to my room and told her that she could borrow my clips and that I will get ones exactly like the one's she lost. Then I gave her a hello kitty notepad and a new lipgloss and told her that it's ok. She stopped crying and I smiled. She made me feel needed, as if I could fix everything and things will be ok. Though I can't fix everything, I made the situation a little better for her. I love her, my one and only sister. She's a truly amazing little girl, my reason to smile, when no one else can cheer me up.

To my sister: I love you, and I wanted to say, thanks for being there, being your 4 year old self. You make my world brighter and happier even on the gloomiest days.

Sorry for being hella cheesy, but that's how things are haha.

I'll keep on trying, iA it will be alright, no matter what happens.